Finding A Good Mate Insights July 2005

It's always interesting when someone comes for help escaping the single state, and their energy has posted a No Fishing sign. The first thing they'll say is that they want to meet their soul mate. Invariably, they appear to be brimming with love to share, and eager to accept love. Meanwhile, their energy is forming a very effective electric fence with guard dogs.

The list of issues that could inspire this behaviour is probably infinite, though the single solution can be found in breaking free of the past. That doesn't mean you have to heal everything in your past, it means your past doesn't have to determine your future. You have the rest of your days to heal stuff, in the meantime it's important to have a life. Life is nicer shared with the right partner.

The key, of course, is finding a partner who isn't a user, or an alcoholic, or someone with unreasonable expectations, or someone whose reasonable expectations you can't meet. What would be worse: the wrong partner, or not being good enough for the right partner? The electric fence has to be safer, right?

You can be sure you won't be hurt inside your electric fence, but you won't be happy, either. If you're tired of being alone, you have to take steps to take down your fence. Small steps are fine.

Step one: Finding the boundaries between your needs and the needs of others.

Our society conditions us to feel responsible for the well-being of others, even when we have no input in the situation. No matter how much you love someone, you can't protect them from all life's woes. You can't even make them feel worthy of your love. Our social conditioning compels us to assume the needs of other people as if they were our own, and to somehow lose track of the fact that we even have needs of our own. Breaking this co-dependency is a challenge, but it makes entering a relationship much more reasonable. It will take down a big section of your electric fence.

Step two: Accepting life as a human being.

Any partner that you find will have issues, as you do. Even in a loving relationship, there will be some turmoil whenever those issues are aggravated, and you'll need to work through them. A lot of your electric fence is designed to keep out the experience of emotions, both good and bad, that come with emotional intimacy. To get rid of the fence, become willing to experience emotions, both good and bad.

Step three: You don't have to take the bad with the good.

You can have companionship without sacrifice. Although life has some pain, accepting love does not oblige you to accept pain.

No matter how good or bad your parents were, they had their own issues. That means their love for you was tainted with their issues, and as a result you learned to accept tainted love. This is true if you grew up in Perfect Family or in Dysfunctional Nightmare. As a result, you must teach yourself to filter what you accept, and only accept the good. You can do this with any shielding technique, such as forming an energy net around yourself, and setting your intent that you do not accept anything that has a negative affect on your being. When this is difficult, remind yourself that you're accustomed to tainted love, and changing what you accept is just as hard as breaking an addiction. Remember that you don't lose the good by filtering the bad. Perservere. You can do it.

Step four: You don't have to pay.

You don't have to pay for love by conforming to society's rules, or catering to someone else's issues. If you can distinguish your needs from the needs of others, people will accept you for who you are. In fact, the only reason people will give you flack about who you are, as opposed to who they think you should be, is to point out an issue you haven't healed. Once you heal it, they'll stop. Really.

These are four basic steps for removing your electric fence, and thus changing your No Fishing sign to a Taken sign. Within these steps you'll uncover expectations and limitations you didn't know you had. You'll break free of hidden beliefs about being a partner, and about relationships, and about roles in relationships. You'll be free to love and be loved. This is your path, it's up to you to take the steps.

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